I have been sorting through some files of old writings that I did many years ago. I was under so much stress and duress with my illness that I seemed to write a lot during the throughs of it. It was a means of reaching out, to let someone, something, some imagined angel even, know of what was going on.
While reading these pieces, I am reminded fully of where I once came, and why I do the work to not go back there again.
Here’s a sampling:
I’m afraid something bad might happen, something will go wrong. I am being directed by and I listening to something larger than myself. I see this entity as truth that must be obeyed. I get into a groove in my head and just do and re-do in an effort to make me feel better. I come home and make sure that there is nothing wrong that will cause something catastrophic at my hands, something that I would never be forgiven for.
It was a state of purgatory.
But life doesn’t have to be like this and you don’t have to be consumed with your illness, of this I am living proof. I know where I’ve walked and I know where I am walking: kites, rainbows, smiling faces, love, surrender, laughter, sunshine, acceptance, forgiveness AND okay even kittens! It is my dream after all!