The drive time from my house to my Retroagogo! Studio used to be just about twenty-five minutes, before I moved to Owosso, MI. Now I have a longer drive in, yet still enjoyable.

If you are anything like me, you break your drive-time-routine into visual sections. For instance, on my prior drive into the Studio: I am at “this corner” when I hit the first five-minute mark. I’m at “this winding turn”, when I hit the ten-minute mark. So, on and so forth.

The most interesting of all my markers, used to be the fifteen-minute mark. I would come to a steep hill, and at the bottom of it and to the right, was a wide-open field. There was an inviting gravel road leading to a small red house with giant maple and oak trees behind it.

Not too far in the distance was an inviting manmade small quaint pond edged with reeds and grass at different heights. There were always a few lily pads to behold and two beautiful white swans standing still or gliding and catching the daylight with their snow-colored picturesque bodies, their classic curved necks gracefully leading up to their orange beaks. The whole scene, the pond, lily pads and swans hit all the right notes and together were as perfect as a ballet.

No matter how my day was going, good, bad or somewhere in the middle, the peaceful swans were always there to greet me as I drove by. My OCD loved it; the whole scene gave me a glimpse into what I craved; a reality built on sheer perfection.One Tuesday morning while driving into work with my husband, Doug, it happened! My dream, like a fat red balloon, popped! I was just left with the shreds.

Probably from the big storm we experienced the night before, the swans were flipped upside down. The bottom of the swans proved something terrible, they were not real swans, they had always been made of wood! Sadness seemed to take a bite of me. With frustration I said, “Doug, I am super bummed out that the swans aren’t real and that they’re made from wood! I cannot believe that I fell for the most perfect illusion the whole time!” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The swans are just like my OCD, an amazing fake! I used to believe that all the messages from my OCD were real, too.

Right now, your OCD may say, “Yes, but didn’t you get something good out of believing the swans were real?” OCD is always good with a counter approach. This is where my swan story departs from OCD…When I realized that all my OCD messages were an illusion, I was free.

When it really sunk in that my swans weren’t real, I laughed after first being sad. I thought to myself, “what else am I believing is real that may not be?” Quickly I held Doug’s hand and said, “You’re not a robot are you!?”

Wishing you progress and peace of mind. As always, if you wish to communicate with me further, after any of these “Soul Nutrients” my email is ocdrelief@retroagogo.com.

Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Warmly,

Kirsten Pagacz